The thief who gives back
People say “comparison is the thief of joy.” But what if the thief can also give us clarity, perspective, and deeper understanding of our desires?
The last time I chatted with M, a former colleague from the career I’d abandoned/escaped/grown from (depending on who you asked), she nonchalantly mentioned a current professional goal: she wanted to maximize being in her “highest earning potential years” of life. She wanted to make professional choices that gave her the best chance of receiving a large – and growing – salary.
“Highest earning potential years.” The phrase leapt through the phone and reverbated in my brain.
Of course what she wanted for herself wasn’t a judgment on what I wanted for myself or the choices I was making in my career. But in the moment it felt exactly like that. Initial comparison sounded like:
This person MUST be right that I’d be a FOOL to do anything other than focus on my “earning potential” in these years of my life. Since we are about the same age, that’s probably what I should be prioritizing too! The fact that I’m not thinking about that and have never used the phrase “earning potential” means something is wildly wrong with me. I am wrong.
Yikes! I’m learning that often the comparison brain stops there in the belief that I (and my choices and my life) are inherently wrong next to this person’s innate rightness and triumph.
But what if comparison could be an entry point not the end point?
This doorway in and through comparison might sound like:
Wow! What this person just said gave me an immediate feeling of doubt and inadequacy*…my jump to comparison is interesting. I wonder if I can challenge the story I'm telling myself about what this means? I wonder if I can question that story, with curiosity? I wonder what's underneath that story? And further, if I push on this feeling and story just a bit, where could it lead me? What does it tell me about what I desire?
(*Other times comparison might give us a feeling of superiority/self-righteousness and that’s an opportunity to be curious and dig deeper too!)
In this instance, when I let myself be curious about my immediate self-doubt and I questioned my way through the comparison, I realized a number of truths:
Money is not one of my main motivators.
I value creativity, experience, time, and freedom more.
These values are causing me to currently de-prioritize “earning (a lot of) money.” (In practice this looks like keeping my coaching practice small – compared to other coaches – and working less than full time.)
I am examining and shifting my priorities with intention.
I am maximizing many things in my life right now.
I don’t often use the word "maximize" (probably part of why hearing it knocked me off balance). I prefer: expand, make space, magnify, give breadth.
I embrace that I am ever-evolving and all of this could change.
Comparison is a funny creature in that we will make ourselves sick with comparing ourselves to people we don’t even aspire to be like (like the above instance). Yet beyond our instantaneous reactions and stories, if we allow it, comparison can help reveal deep yearnings.
My honest desires: I don’t want to be judged for making unconventional choices; I crave understanding and community with other people carving a unique path through life. Comparison helped me remember my authenticity.
My motivations and path are valid. I accept myself. My friend’s motivations and path are valid. I can accept her without making her choices a commentary on my enoughness.
I can think of one more exercise to really unpack the comparison urge. What if a reframe about the topic of comparison is possible? In this example, how could I look at “highest earning potential” in relation to my values and desires?
Possible reframes:
I am in my highest earning recovery and rest years of my life after a season of burnout.
I am in my highest earning healing years of my life.
I am in my highest earning connection-building years of my life.
I am in my highest earning practice-over-perfection years of my life.
And if the reframe feels awkward – you make the rules! For instance: I am going to try replacing “earning” with “usher in.” I am intentionally ushering in more rest, recovery from burnout, healing, connection, and practice. That’s pleasant. That feels good to say out loud. However, the comparison urge still has me feeling on the defensive a bit (I’m not perfect!) and wanting to add: These intentions will be at the expense of other things. I can’t prioritize everything. I am practicing letting that be okay.
Like you, dear human, I am still learning. I am learning how to think beyond binaries, especially the right and wrong binary. I am learning how to approach any big feeling with curiosity. For me curiosity quiets the critical voice and adds intricacy to everything, including the comparison thief.
This thief has a message for me. I want to hear what’s beneath and beyond the raw moment of impact.
