A familiar question that you’ve never heard
What is the last great question somebody asked you?
When I was training to become a coach it was drilled into me that one of the most important skills I’d need to develop as a coach was the capacity to ask powerful questions. Questions that felt like a shout from inside the house. Questions that simultaneously felt wholly new and deeply familiar. Questions that had to be answered (even if avoidance or resistance momentarily showed up when asked).
A question that recently took my breath away was: “Whose expectations are running your life?” I heard it in a community gathering and scribbled it down, knowing it would be a question I’d hold onto.*
What questions can you return to and still find support and insight?
Some other great questions I’ve kept close:
What if everything works out?
What if your life was completely on purpose?
So what? Then what? (Asked in sequence and as many times as needed, when fear has taken the wheel.)
I’ve been thinking of the tendency of some powerful questions, when asked in the coaching space, to cut through every block and bring a client to the heart of the matter fast.
And the ways many of us are looking for that lightning bolt of inspiration, wisdom, insight – question or otherwise – to jolt us from rumination to action. This morning my horoscope (see below) was the strike I’d been waiting on. It called me in and called me out so well that I erupted in laughter after finishing reading it:
You can polish your theories and ideas as much as you like, but the messy work of putting them into practice is where the magic happens. Make peace with the process. - Chani Nicholas (astrologer)
A recent big transition has me deep in my feelings and questions. Being “in it” and far from answers has felt tiring. Emotionally, I’m squirming. I’m craving meaning and finding just me: in process. Will being in process ever end?!
Actually, absolutely it will not. A coach once said to me: “the process is the point.” My horoscope seemed to sense some of my recent discomfort with staying in process by encouraging me to “make peace."
I wonder what making peace with being in process could mean for me? Perhaps it’s related to my continued journey to not hold back from doing the things I want to do (like write this newsletter) when I fear I will do the things in an awkward and imperfect way. Maybe peace also looks like getting more comfortable staying put in the present. Presence and imperfection: my gut says that’s a good start towards peace.
What are you trying to make peace with these days?
Making peace is actually a core aspect of the work that happens in coaching. In the coaching space we are constantly exploring what needs to be done differently and where acceptance would be most impactful.
Sometimes when deep transformation is occurring or starting to gain momentum, humans have a huge “backslide” or return to familiar (yet currently unhelpful) ways of being. This type of resistance to change is totally understandable but often comes with enormous shame and self-judgment.
In these moments I always try to support my clients in increasing their curiosity, particularly about what they feel most ashamed.
Some questions I might pose:
What’s the benefit of resisting change?
What does resistance want for you?
If resistance were a teacher, what does it want you to know?
It’s messy to practice new ways of being and doing; it takes real effort to choose differently. I am even willing to wonder – with my clients – if some of the places we’ve been pushing for change are actually places we need to ease into acceptance and self-compassion. This is part of the work too.
Today my horoscope made me chuckle out loud in how much it nailed some of what I have been struggling with during an enormous and emotional transition. I’m an astrology-babe-light at best, so I still delight when my horoscope has such on point wisdom for me. It reminds me of how – when we stay open – the guidance we are seeking often finds us. The powerful question is asked. The horoscope is gasp-inducing. The BFF gives the advice they’ve been giving for months and we hear it for real this time.
And is it just me, or does the advice/wisdom/guidance we most need often feel utterly familiar and obvious? Or, perhaps when it feels familiar and obvious, that’s the sign it’s transcended the theoretical and we are on our way to shifting to welcome it, to allow it to change us. We can now put it into practice.
For instance the horoscope that slapped me across the face with its of course energy uses language I gravitate towards as a coach – messy, magic, practice, process. Almost like a mirror rising up in front of me, lovingly reminding me: “you know this.”
Great change might simply be dormant. We have the power to inspire it into germination.
